Many woman suffer from postnatal depression at some point after having a child, but it’s never really spoken about, so I thought I’d share my story.
When I have birth to Harriet it was one of the best days of my life, as much as it bloody hurt, but I was absolutely besotted with her. The first few weeks I found really hard, I was so sore from being cut and torn and my stitches got infected, so I was at a point where it hurt to even sit down. But I plodded on and luckily Aaron and my mum were amazing.
I bonded with Harriet so well, she was my perfect little baby and the first few months I was so happy. She was a hard baby, constantly wanted feeding but suffered really bad with wind so she cried, ALOT!
When Harriet was about 3 months, I slowly started to feel worse and worse about myself. I got to the point where I was rarely getting dressed, I wasn’t looking after myself properly. I hardly ate, didn’t shower everyday like I normally did. Some days I struggled to sleep, other days I wanted to sleep all day. I just constantly felt crap, and I got to the point where I was daily thinking ‘what’s the point of me being here.’
Now when people think of postnatal depression, they think it’s when the mum doesn’t bond with the baby ect.
Mine wasn’t like that. I did everything I could for Harriet, and I couldn’t of loved her anymore if I tried. It was me, I hated myself. I didn’t think I was good enough for this beautiful little baby that was mine. I didn’t feel like I could be the best mum for her.
I felt like I was failing. I was horrible to Aaron all the time, pushed and pushed him away. I didn’t see any friends and just wanted to be on my own all the time.
My relationship with Harriet’s dad was literally on the verge of breakdown. We decided to have a few days break, so I took Harriet and we went to stay with my mum.
This is when I realised something wasn’t right. My mum sat me down and told me I had to go and talk to a doctor. She knew I wasn’t myself and I needed help. So I booked an appointment that day and off I went. I explained to the doctor how I was feeling, had a bit of a cry, and he said straight away ‘postnatal depression.’
I was put on antidepressants and after a few weeks I started to feel loads better. I’d have good days and bad days. And after a few months I was weaned off the medication.
I’ve not taken medication since. But I do still suffer with depression and anxiety. I hate going out on my own, my heart starts racing and my palms go all sweaty. I have days where I just want to hide away from the whole world.
But I am me. Mental health is so hard to live with. People are so scared to talk out about their experiences or mental health and it shouldn’t be like that.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and please if you are feeling rubbish, talk to someone. Whether that be a family member, friend or doctor.
Love Katie ❤️